kalanga

i,with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman. -Anais Nin

I had put on makeup, maybe too much makeup. The only way for me to cover my insecurities. I loved the way I felt pushed to get better as a person, as a human being. He was the first man to make feel this way. And he did that simply with his words, with his voice. His exotic singing, barely perceptible African accent turned my name into a lullaby each time he would pronounce it over the telephone. I loved that. He gave me so little, but it was enough to make my heart race and beat.

We would finally have a moment to ourselves. Or so I thought. We sat at the McDonald's terrace, his brothers and friends sitting a few tables away. It made me so self-conscious. Why had I put on so much makeup? I hope I don't look like a whore. He took my hand and put it over his. You have such big hands, he said. I smiled. Yeah I know. It felt good to finally touch him. I barely looked as his face. I couldn't bear to look at him. But furtively sometimes I'd scrutinize him. I don't remember what I said and what we talked about. I remember thinking I wished he took me on a real date. Without over lookers. That would have made the difference. I didn't feel special. And I really wanted him to think and make me feel I was. The minutes flew. It was time to go.

He took me back to the metro station, and sat with me as I waited for my train. That's when he put his lips on mine. Cold, soft, thinner lips. When he talked they would curl in. I imagined him as a child. And those freckles..... When he kissed me, I didn't budge nor did I return his kiss. I wanted to, but I loved him too much to risk letting him disappoint me. I knew he would break my heart. The train came and I said goodbye.

thanks Nana, for this beautiful excerpt by Anais Nin. It accurately describes what made me choose the man I am with today.