Friday, November 27, 2009

shook

Like a comet, you cross my sky. A cyclic enthusiasm overwhelms me and for that period, I take on the habits of bulimia. I thought I had healed from you. That I could, or would no longer covet your attention and care. I felt secure in the choices I have made and felt there was nothing more I could wish for. My life is happiness and love and trust and loyalty. With modesty, I know "I have it all". But every time, like a comet, you come and shine your spark through my life and the stardust you leave behind triggers desire and longing..... I try to reach for some of your golden light and put it in my treasure box, but your shimmering incandescence reduced it to ashes.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

interlude






Are you there God? It's me Ako.


Monday, November 23, 2009

tabou

The feeling's the same....I know
My heart's about to explode
my forbidden love is undone
the fantasy's been long gone

I'm going through a phase
I think of life with you, with him
The way... I chose to go.....
my life without you

The dream I had of you and me
Imagining ecstasy
For long I thought you'd be the one
Well now I'm with who it's meant to be

I'm going through a phase
You'll be no longer inside of me
The way... I chose to go...
my life without you





Friday, November 20, 2009

pursuit

Dear little brother,

I had meant to write promptly when I received your letter. I was delighted to hear from you, and heartbroken when I felt your dismay.

The sad news you give me.... loss of a friend is never easy,especially when the "divorce" is pronounced so brutally. We always expect to evolve, to grow with the beloved friend, that sister or brother we actually got to choose....I can only imagine your distress.

I lack words to comfort your heart. That of a betrayed friend.

Little brother, I have seen you as a child and you have now grown into a man. Full or resources. I am not worried at all. I know you will find the strength in you to bounce back and be able to open yourself to Hope and Faith that brings new amity.

Hope that everyday that God makes, will take you closer to the aspirations you nurture deep within. Believe that your aspirations will come to be, as they are your path to your ultimate happiness.
Cultivate discernment and sensitivity to feel the warm breeze emanating from an open window. Remember when a door closes,a window opens.

On my side, little brother...I'm fine. I love my mate and the fruits of our love. I shall not want......or should not want

Sometimes I run after chimeras, it's true. I run behind palpitations of the Flesh. The blood in my veins still wants to express the passion of youth I still feel in me. I seek to do everything on my own terms and I do not let that part of God in me act effectively.

I am so weary enough from my dilemma. I always want to make amends for my mistakes, it only pulls me deeper into the quicksand. My throat gets clogged up with mud, I lose my appetite and all situations take on enormous proportions.

Man is condemned to long for more, to live for more...It is our Fate. How we choose to answer to it is what makes us different.
We can try filling this "instinct" with the fleeting satisfaction of trinkets and other sparkles. Or focus on the entirety and the quintessence of our Humanity.

But I thank God, he teaches well, you never forget the lessons. Changing is hard. But I'm well surrounded. My side was withdrawn from Stephen's flank. He is my escape from the quicksand.

Life is a journey, it's not always the trip we dream of taking, but looking back you see you've traveled so far...you might as well keep on going.

Little brother, I will see you very soon, until then, Beam up Live and Become.


I Love You, B.


Thursday, November 12, 2009

seven times


I will take time to take time.
Time to crown my head with the halo of the intellectual.
Time to master my craft and speak without a doubt. It is the time.
Time to commit my hips to the sensual rhythms ringing in the warm nights of Cuba. Hanging on to him. His strong dark chocolate colored shoulders, while he leads me into an uncontrollable trance.
Time to hear the cascade of diamonds echoing in my offspring's laughter. Be amazed I was chosen as their guardian and ensure their first flight to success.
I will take time to take time.
Time to tell him about how I was carved out of his rib, and that each time we clasp we become one again.
Time to remember about and nurture my roots. I heard the Motherland call. She, the Cradle of Humankind beseech my footprint on her wealthy soil. My turn has come to help relief this blessed land from the curse it has endured.

It is about time, I took time to acknowledge my humanity and embrace the existence of a Higher Love.




Wednesday, November 11, 2009

contrition

It definitely was a mistake. I deviated from the path that seemed charted out for me. That of a mature , standing and balanced woman all tied up in a guardrail of principles.

Drawn by the mirage of a sumptuous feast held by the edge of the cliff, I took off my dress of Virtue and wore that of Jezebel.

The affair was promising. He offered me some Cabernet-Syrah. A bouquet of red fruits and spicy notes infused my glass with its ruby red color. Ruby, the tint of my heated blood. I drank from the palm of his hand. Never had I felt so free, unbreakable. Ruby, precious was the moment. The illusion would not abide . In a last effort to prolong the excitement I took his hand and led him towards the very tip of the cliff. He followed in a very hesitant step. Foreseeing what I was to do, he let go of my hand just as I jumped into the abyss. He watched me drop helplessly. I looked up and blew a kiss, he was gone. The phantasm had vanished.

I didn't die. My hair was undone my libidinous attire shredded. Remnants of a desire doomed from the start. I cupped my arms around my breasts in the attempt to keep some dignity. How could I resurface? My distinguished and reputable woman apparel was left behind on that cliff. The ascent would not be without clashes.











Tuesday, November 10, 2009

mate

We share a special connection. Our relationship is well defined. We don't have to say much, we understand that what brought us together wasn't the flesh. Not even love according to fairy tales, even though it does feel like a fairytale sometimes.
People often wonder, often ask me. How it happened? How do you know for sure? All I know is my soul claimed him. My soul stripped the rest of my reasoning being of the ability to chose. He was my soul mate.

It screamed from deep within, when he conceded that he loved me and wanted me his own. I got scared and not only did I look the other way but I ran. As far and as fast as I could, looking for a way to drown this inner cry.
I could only run for so long. I'm a sprinter not a cross-country athlete.

I believe there is a God and that he loves me. When my mind, body and soul finally merged into one, I let him save me from my tortured self. I found my companion and we combined our steps in unison.

Lately I've stopped walking. I have closed my eyes for a second and I wished to frolic in the meadow. He did not realize I was left behind, that he was getting ahead of me.


The road to freedom is strewn with pitfalls and despite the progress, the end always seem unattainable. The misfortune of the past no longer seem unbearable. The head fills up with polished memories and distorted versions of the reality left behind. I longed for the existence I was blessed to escape when I followed my soul mate.


Jumping around in the meadow with imaginary friends loses its luster. The truth always finds a way to remind you what matters most. I remember now...
I found my companion, he decided to slow down and I woke from my delirium and hastily hurried to join our steps again.








reason

I never really read the classics. For instance all I know from Shakespeare, is what urban and street culture has taught me. I never felt the urge to know. To learn from the source. I believed way too long that you are born into the passion you want to portray. Wishful thinking....

I have always wanted to write.(Among many other things). Write from what I know. My knowledge certainly is not of the most admirable, I admit, but it cannot alter my need to write. It is the corresponding therapy to my anxious heart.

Writing to my best friend to let her know I am sorry I have caused her pain and installed doubts in their mind about our friendship.
Writing to someone I admire, my most embarrassing and insignificant spontaneous thoughts...the ones you wouldn't usually share because they don't last, and often appear and disappear from your mind all at the same time.
Writing to my husband, to remind him and probably myself too, that I don't know why I love and need him, but that I would rather not know why I do . It gives him room to evolve, to change without my love shifting because the specific reason I love him is gone.
Writing because every thought I pen down is like a weight off my hot-air balloon. Writing to array my reflections and by the same token my life.

Welcome to spuriousphilosopher.blogspot.com

B.